E. C. F. -1st Runners Up Speech

“Good afternoon, aunty! Can I help you?”

I turned back to check who he was addressing. No one was behind me. I realised he was addressing me! He called me Aunty! A young savvy Salesman just called me Aunty! I’m devastated. Was all the effort and money spent wasted? Was all the work for nothing?

 

Mr. Chairman, Fellow Toastmasters, Ladies & Gentleman. 

I’ve done all the necessaries to look young with the ECF formula 

E is for Exercise – I vigilantly exercise every day. 

C is for Colour – I colour my hair to the correct tone. 

F is for Fashion – I keep up to date with fashion. 

Yet that young man called me Aunty! 

E is for Exercise.

See these muscles! (show muscles). I am strong. Am I not? 

I even managed to play 18 holes of golf during the weekends. They say you don’t play golf to keep fit. You have to be fit to play golf. 

That is why I joined a California gym. They have these big wide display windows to show everyone that you are exercising. 

I’d put on a snazzy blouse. Tight short shorts. Expensive gym shoes. 

Then I’d jump onto the treadmill and start to brisk walk. 

For company, I’d bring my mechanical dog ‘Spot’ to brisk walk with me.

If Spot would talk, we’d have this conversation: 

June: Hey look Spot! Everyone’s looking at us.

Spot: Woof! They’re not looking at you. They’re looking at me.

June: Alright. We’ll have a bet. I’ll put you off the treadmill. Let’s see who’s watching whom.

I start walking without Spot. Humm. No one is looking. Wait a minute! Here comes a guy. 

Guy: Hi I’m Gay!

June: Gay! Oh dear, I’m not!

Guy: No! No! You don’t understand! My name is Gea Ban Peng. Tell me Miss, where did you buy your dog. I would like to buy one for myself.

June: Come on back Spot. It looks like they’re only interested in you.

E is for EXERCISE. 

C is for Colour

Our family genes always gave us white streaks in our hair. In the old day’s I had to visit a salon to do my hair. But now-a-days, we just buy a bottle of hair dye from Guardian. Your problem is solved. 

Last Chinese New Year I decided to be a Redhead. It was a hot sunny day. I was walking down the road towards my grandmother’s house. My grandmother saw me. Gave a shriek and rushed to the gate of her house. On the way she grabbed a jar of orange-ade my aunt was using to pour drinks for the guests. As I opened the gate, Grandma, poured the whole jar of the orange on my head. 

June: Ah Ma! What are you doing?

Granny: Ah Girl. The sun is so hot. Your hair is on fire.

Next, I decided to be a blond. I went to my granny’s house again. Granny arranged for me to meet a matchmaker. 

After the introductions, the matchmaker looked at me and said. Wah! So many white hair. Not to worry! I have the match for you. He’s 90 years old but he can still perform.

June: Perform! You mean he can play golf?

I think I better stick to my natural colour (Don’t you?) (Turn round to show hair) 

C is for COLOUR. 

F is for Fashion.

I was a little worried about wearing the cheongsum. 

I may look out of date and old fashion. 

I decided to consult a famous fashion designer, Mr. Yves Saint Laurent (YSL). 

He looked at my cheongsum and said, ‘Why don’t you keep on wearing the cheongsum, June. It suits you. What we can do is update it.’

Let’s first get rid of the sleeves (tearing sleeves action) 

Let’s get throw away the fussy button and put one zip at the back only. (throw buttons & turn round to show zipper). ‘What you’d have is a classic A-line dress’ (show A-line) except it changed to an 8-line dress (show figure ‘8’) 

Mr YSL, also told my tailor to make my collar 50% less. 

To my tailor, 50% is only one collar out of two. 

F is for Fashion.

Exercise. Colour. Fashion.

Yet a young man called me Aunty! 

Last week, I went into the store again. A 20’ish young lady was standing at the counter being served. She had copper streaks in her hair. Bicycle shorts to show off her properly primped leg muscels. A figure hugging, mid-driftless tee shirt. 

The young man said. ‘ Thank you very much Aunty!’

I was curious and asked him why he called the young lady Aunty. 

He told me he called all his customers, Aunty!
Aunty is a term used by some people out of respect. 
Aunty is also a term to use if you do not know that person’s name 

I told him, “You can call me Aunty, anytime!”

But please, don’t call me Ah Soh!

“Ah Soh?” 

Note: Contest speech contributed by “Aunty” June Oh who participated in the TI Humorous Speech Contest 2003. She was 1st runner-up in TRL TMC’s contest and emerged Champion in both Brilliant Advanced TMC and Area Z1 contests. She finally settled for 1st runner-up in the Division Z Contest. For excellent effect, the speech should be delivered with a very good imaginary friend, a versatile coloured crown and the courage to strip!

 

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